I think most people would agree that everyone deserves a fair shot at love, no matter who, what, or where you are. It sits at the core of our being - this innate desire to be loved, and it refuses to let up. And finding the "right" person is a search as constant and routine as deciding what to eat for dinner every night. 

So why, knowing all this, do I still find myself judging the women who fall in love with a man behind bars? 

Here’s what a brief visitation on Prison Wife TikTok has shown me.

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Dating a man in prison strips away all the small, ordinary moments that normally move a relationship forward – arguing over which ice cream flavor to get, pointing out trees to each other on a walk. Without those in-person rituals, the relationship stays frozen in its infancy. And that's exactly what makes it the perfect setting for romance – a love that's forbidden, a yearning that never gets satisfied, a devotion that transcends the physical. 

Idealizing a “dangerous” man writing you poems through handmade love letters is way sexier than idealizing a man who leaves his spaghetti crusted dish in the sink overnight. 

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It’s no secret that culturally, we have an obsession with ‘bad boys’. If anything, that’s the least surprising piece of context for why women choose to be prison wives. But it’s not just women being interested in the parts of men that appear unsalavageable – the high comes from being the one to prompt change from him. This is a foundational pillar of the dark romance genre - being the woman to ‘fix’ a morally grey character for the better, through the power of love, and of being chosen. 

Dating a man in prison is the closest real-life version of that guilty pleasure – and the judgement you receive for doing so only strengthens the already present “us-against-the-world” bond.

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I have empathy for these women in the way that I, too, enjoy listening to Lana Del Rey. 

And shaming them for chasing love wherever they can find it is the easy way out – especially when women are socialized from childhood to believe that romantic love is the ultimate prize. 

The only thing I’m left with is this: would a man ever do the same?

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