Fisherwoman.

Butcher.

Tailor’s wife.

Baker’s wife.

Basket Maker. 

Wickerman.

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Nameless though titled as olden days dictate, sorted into the wed and the unclaimed, the Fisherwoman goes through life with no golden collar nor a husband to call her own.

She is spared the complications of intimacy and companionship. That is, until the Fisherwoman meets her handcrafted Wickerman at the altar.

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If you’ve been in my vicinity for even 5 minutes in the past month, you’d know I have been highly anticipating the release of Wicker. And I wasn't alone. Just look at TikTok.

As the Wicker Warriors, we were expecting something wildly erotic, something even akin to Fifty Shades of Grey. However, I left the theater feeling surprisingly heartfelt.

I predicted a sexy fever dream. Instead, I witnessed one of the purest, healthiest relationships we’ve seen in modern film to date. Especially considering the romance films currently in theaters. #Verity #ColleenHooverNeedsToBeStopped

For some reason, dark romance has convinced its female fans that a man with monstrous qualities (beyond a 6'5” brooding frame) such as kidnapping, nonconsensual bondage, obsessive possessiveness, or threats of violence, is making the ultimate sacrifice when he gives up his dark ways for you. To put aside his bad habits and frightening tendencies in pursuit of a wonderfully well-adjusted woman, oh what a beautiful love story that is!

Wicker is a breath of fresh air. He cooks. He cleans. He communicates. He’s kind, perceptive, and even sweetly afraid of the fireplace, naturally. Constructed from splints, he proves far less frightening than the flesh-and-blood men in the Fisherwoman’s village.

And perhaps that’s the beauty of Wicker. Beneath the theatrics of a desirable trunk, the movie provides a rather simple sliver of human magic: we crave to be loved gently and without fear. 

As for the magic and mechanics behind the Wickerman’s creation, my dear reader, some questions are best left unanswered. This is a whimsical tale, not a scientific journal. We must trust the story, trust our partner, and trust ourselves enough to choose the ending we actually want. 

Olivia Colman certainly did, she’s been married to Ed Sinclair since 2001. Some stories, it seems, have happy endings without the need for a carefully curated Wickerman.