“Cusses when scared.”

“Has no friends.”

“Has a bad father.”

“Not a big Spongebob fan.”

These sound like insults from someone who doesn’t like you. But they’re actually things Amazon has been saying about its consumers. 

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Last week, a woman on Threads discovered that Amazon described her as having “flat buttocks." She was speechless. Saying, “I mean it ain’t wrong but damn did you have to call me out like that? 😭”

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So it turns out Amazon introduced a feature called ‘About You’ back in May that uses your purchase history, searches, reviews, saved lists, and Alexa to build a personal profile on you. The goal was to provide you with more personalized shopping recommendations. Which seems normal until you realize Amazon has opinions on your body, your relationships, etc.

Naturally, I had to see what Amazon thought about me. I hate to say it, but mine weren’t interesting. Apparently, I appreciate specialty coffee preparation, regularly play pickleball, and have an established collection of baby care supplies. Which would be interesting. But the coffee supplies were for my dad, the pickleball gear was for my mom, and the baby items were for my cousins’ baby showers. 

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Other people on Reddit were saying similar things. One user bought a rock tumbler for a friend five years ago, and according to Amazon, rock polishing is a hobby of theirs. Someone else bought a cat scratcher as a gift and joked that Amazon now thinks they are a hardcore cat person running a feline rescue sanctuary.

To be fair, Amazon hasn’t been wrong about everything. Some people have found their profiles surprisingly accurate. But there’s a pretty obvious flaw in Amazon’s logic…knowing what someone buys doesn’t necessarily tell you why they bought it. A gift isn’t a hobby. And a single purchase isn’t a personality trait.

Needless to say I don’t think Amazon got me totally right.

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And considering how much money I’ve spent, I’d expect them to know me a little better by now. 

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So, Amazon, since you apparently have so much to say about me, here’s what I would’ve expected to see when I opened my ‘About You’ profile:

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1. Has too much faith in 2-day shipping
2. Has a caffeine addiction 
3. Has expensive taste that her bank account can’t support 
4. Probably considers buying a planner as the equivalent to having her life together
5. Shows signs of attempting to become a morning person 

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Maybe Amazon should stick to telling me when my packages will arrive.