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Sociologists are noting a new phenomenon.
The all-black Owala has entered the dating lexicon.
According to a theory I saw on TikTok, an all-black Owala is not simply an all-black Owala. It is evidence. More specifically, evidence that a man has a girlfriend.
The logic is almost too convincing. A man who owns a black Owala clearly did not choose it himself. More often than not, we spot men transporting their water in half-empty gallon jugs. Someone else had to have picked the Owala for him. Someone who has sleek, modern taste. Someone who has opinions about what color water bottle looks best in the cupholder of his car. In other words: a woman is involved.
I saw the theory online and started wondering: If an Owala can tell us whether a man is taken, what other tiny signs are we missing? And, could they make making the first move a little less terrifying?
The future of modern dating
Spotting marriage is easy. Look for a ring. Single and ready to mingle? Not so simple.
When online dating feels more miserable and desolate than ever, the logical next step is to meet someone in person. Hell, most of us want to meet our significant other organically, that’s called a meet-cute, but making the first move is scary when you have no idea what you're walking into. Are they single? Emotionally available? Taken? In a situationship?
Dating apps give us (almost) all that information before we ever say hello. Meeting someone in real life gives us none of it except for the element of surprise (which may later turn out to be a nightmare).
So naturally, we look for clues. Not because we actually think a water bottle can tell us someone's relationship status, but because a little information makes taking a risk feel safer.
Consider the following your highly unscientific field guide.
Key signs to look for when making the first move
PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
This person may be in a relationship.
1. All-black Owala.
Obviously. He's taken.
2. Man walking a weiner dog.
90% chance the dog isn't his. It's his girlfriend's.
3. Glass container of leftovers.
Someone cooked here. And judging by the container, someone owns a matching set.
ALL SYSTEMS A GO.
This person may in fact be single. Remember to smile!
1. Buying a frozen meal at Trader Joe’s.
No evidence of a shared household.
2. He is carrying his own umbrella.
Prepared. Independent. Potentially single.
3. He has never heard of a charcuterie board.
Proceed.
THE CATCH.
Of course, none of these signs prove anything.
The guy with the all-black Owala could be single. The wiener dog could absolutely be his. Maybe the guy at Trader Joe’s just hasn’t reached the “shared grocery list” stage of his relationship.
This reveals the problem with relationship-status forensics. Eventually, you have to stop gathering evidence. You can inspect the Owala and assess the chosen leftovers-container materials, but the only way to actually find out if someone is single is to say hello.
Because IRL dating comes with something the apps can’t give you: absolutely no idea what happens next after that first introduction.
