On the afternoon of September 19th, the unassuming streets of Brooklyn were met with an unlikely stampede. Clad in burlap, paper, and steel, a fleet of 40 life-sized puppet buffalo began to make their way down Willoughby Street, through Brooklyn Heights, and finally took refuge within the fields of Brooklyn Bridge Park (likely to drink from the East River? Their motivations are still unclear).

The buffalo migration was certainly a spectacle, and even more importantly, a telltale sign of what I’ve known for a very long time: The puppets of this world are finally fighting back against us humans. Recently, I’ve noticed a worrying uptick in puppet-related phenomena—no doubt signalling the felted community’s rise to sentience as they plan to dominate the world as we know it.

…Well. Okay, maybe I’m over-reacting a little bit. This specific case of puppet interference was in reality a sincere art installation: Return of the Buffalo: Tatanka Owe Akupi; “One of the largest and most unique public art spectacles taking place in the U.S. this year”, calling into question the near-extinction of buffalo through settler colonialism. Sure— so this SPECIFIC thing isn’t a sign of the puppet uprising… but I think the sudden spike in puppet popularity is no coincidence.

Under normal circumstances, I’d be more than thrilled to see so many puppets being used in advertising. However, now that I’m burdened with the knowledge of the upcoming uprising, my expected excitement has turned to fuzzy dread. Let’s take a look at the facts:

This slow takeover started off with a bang during the holiday season of last year. Apple’s ‘A Critter Carol’ campaign all but flooded my feed, featuring an adorable forest full of friendly singing animals. Many latched onto the campaign for its insistence upon analog filming practices and rejection of AI — something particularly scathing when compared to the holiday season’s most infamous commercial. 

After winter passed, the new year brought in… you guessed it: more puppets. An adorable April campaign from grocery chain Publix showed off an entire cast of quirky dogs trying to win back the favors of a long-tormented mailman. 

While the iPhone commercial is technically stunning, this Publix campaign excels in giving each dog a unique personality in a short amount of time, characterizing efficiently without overstaying its welcome. My personal favorite is the neurotic little coned dog, since you were wondering.

And finally….. siiiiigh. It’s with a heavy heart that I must address his presence, but there’s no way I can’t talk about Mr. Biberty at a time like this. Quite possibly the leader of this sick and twisted operation, this disgusting little fuzzball is maybe the only time I’ve seen the public negatively reacting to this puppet uprising. Not even their cunning psychological warfare can distract from how… uh. Unfunny. This little thing is. I refuse to acknowledge this little thing’s technical muppet status. You’ll never be Kermit.

I will not be saying hello. There are many things I’d want to say to this disgusting thing before ever considering greeting him. You make me sick.

Obviously, this is all happening because of the aforementioned incoming puppet apocalypse. However, I don’t wish to be a puppet extremist, so I’ll temporarily consider why else this return to analog could be happening.

It’s no secret that AI is gripping the advertising world with a chokehold, despite its infamy amongst consumer audiences. According to a Bently-Gallup University survey, nearly half of Americans view a business’s use of AI within an advertisement negatively, made even more severe by 8 in 10 Americans reporting that they’ve seen advertisements blatantly using AI within the last 30 days.  

Under these circumstances, it makes plenty of sense that an extreme step in the analog direction captures the attention of many.  Famed New Jersey fabrication studio, Puppet Heap Workshop, puts it best: “While AI avatars and CG animations multiply by the second, puppets offer something real. Handcrafted. Human. Weird in the best way.”

…Actually, now that I think about it, I’d take an analog apocalypse over a tech apocalypse any day. Hmm…

Alright. So maybe it wouldn’t be all that bad if the puppets took over. How could I even complain? I myself have a background in physical installation building (shoutout IMA!!!), so if any of their seams need repairing, I’d be deemed a valuable ally. Despite their psychological power and lust for world domination, I do have one advantage against them: thumbs. 

All things considered, I think I’ll be okay in the puppet apocalypse.

…Unless the supreme overlord turns out to be Liberty Biberty. Then I’ll have to take matters into my own hands.